For those around me

You know those days when you think your just going to drop down, and never get back up. Well you wish you don't get back up.

That's how I've been feeling lately. Like nothing is going right for me. I'm just confused, to many thoughts cramped in my mind. Just leads me to lost and not knowing right and just wishing that I could give up or disappear.

Then I think about the people around me that are a lot more lost that I am. And they can't help them selves they just spin in circles or there stuck and they damage there hearts and and destroy them selves and they don't even know it. Or when they don't know better .. they don't know right . So they lead them selves to bad. And get stuck. Or when their not loved they do things to try and feel better or to get attention. But never works just makes them feel worse and even more unloved.

When I think of them I wish I could be there to help. But I feel like nothing I say or do could really help. But I know I'm wrong. I know I can help. I just need to step up and be there for them. I try of course. But I really do need to try harder. I'd like to have the power to not just give advise but to acutely change them. Make them realize. And to change whats needed to be changed. And to tell them that no matter what be strong and know that life is hard but to never let go and your dreams and your wishes will come true. But you need to be the best you can be, and to never tell your self your not good enough or its never going to happen. Never ever give up on your self. Just believe.

; I Think The Beauty Of Life Is Those We Love.♥

Wanting to move

I've been thinking about moving,

Considering to move, where, to Timmins Ontario. It's 8hours away from where I live right now. I go there about 2-3 times a year. My hole family lives there. Family of both parents. It's a little town, and it's up north, so it's pretty cold compared to Ottawa. Yup, I live in Ottawa big difference from the little town of Timmins. For a girl that loves to shop, and loves the heat, and that wants to move to a town with one shopping mall and barely any stores, and pretty much only one month of summer. I think there's a big reason why. I wouldn't leave all the big malls there is here to go live where there's only one little for any other then a good reason.

One month goes by, ... still thinking about moving there. I hadn't tolled anyone but my sister.

... I was in Timmins for Christmas. It was great I felt like I should stay there. Start out fresh, new. Go to a new school make new friends, better friends. Meaning friends that aren't in drugs and that acutely care about me and are willing to do everything to help me when I need them. And to be with my family, to be able to have so much people around me that love me no matter what I do. Just having them around makes my heart feel better. Because I know you'll never end up alone, your surrounded by people that care for you so much and love you with all there heart. That would do anything to make you feel better or to help you thought your tuff times, your times you need someone to be there for you and to talk it threw. And to have people that understand you. I want to be there for them too. I want to know my little cousins and to know that they love there cousin Jessica. I want to get to know more of who everyone is in my family, and for them to know me too. Know me as the girl I'm changing to be, the real me. The girl that wanted to change but wasn't ready too. Or didn't have enough faith in herself to do so. I'm ready I want to change my everyday rituals like I'm doing, but make it the past for real. And I want to move to be with my family and to just start over. I want to be the girl inside that's stronger and better then the one I am. I want to become my everyday day dream, The girl inside ! With no lust no mean talks about people, no hatred. I'm setting my mind to be that girl I've been dying to be. The better me. I'm going to be that girl with a caring heart, that's sweet as anyone can be. The girl that respects people for who they are. The girl that is always honest no matter what. I'm going to be that girl that wants to be there for everyone to help them threw anything and to just know that I'm there for them no matter what. What I'm saying is I'm going to be me Jessica Gendron. The girl I really am. The girl I've been hiding inside. I'm going to push away the girl I pretended to be and become me, the real me.

I already started to be her. I'm quitting the drugs the smoking. Its now been 5days. ... I'm also trying my best to stay away from my friends that influence me. But in a way they will still respect me and still like me as who I am. But to know I'm done with the things I use to do.

Those are my reasons why I want to move.

Ill let you know more ... And if I'm going to move.

And I'll let you know other reason's I have to move there ...

Lost

I'm lost! Believe me I'm lost!

Why lost?

Because I can't seem to know what to do, what to think ,where to go. Who to believe, what to believe. I just don't know what to do with anything right now. I know everyone gets that feeling once in awhile. But it's not like before. I'm really confused. I'm trying hard to think about what's best for me. ..That's working out. But then I get doubt's on whether I'm right or wrong. But deep down I know I'm right .. and I know I'm doing everything I can to become the best I can be. But then there's that other feeling telling me .. what if ?.. what if they can't live right without you? ..what if they can't be there best without you? what if everything turns out wrong when your gone? .. when you leave them ? what if it's not the right choice, decision .. what about them ? what about the ones that really need you ? Or the ones that really care? or the ones that love you? ... what if you acutely belong where you don't want to belong ? ...

Like I said I'm lost. I'm lost in all my thoughts and doubt's.

I hope I get my answers and Everything turns out right.

And not wrong, right!

I need my heart to find the right answers!

It will come, I know it.

I just can't wait to not be lost.

.....

My heart will find the right choice, decision. I'm counting on it.

-I'll let you know. ♥

PS: I've keeped my promise! 4days, not long but its the start.

Im done

I'm setting my mind to not touch any drugs and smokes ever again.

Meaning I'm done. I'm quiting! Last time I say it. I promise you that. Last time I promise myself that too. I know I can do it. My heart is telling me I can. I just need to fight every instinct I got towards it. And to keep my distances from friends and peoples, I know that will influence and pressure me as hard as they can, to get me to do it '' one last time '' No there not going too. I'm going to stay back. And know that if I do get pressured to say NO. I know I can, and will. And I got people telling me I can do anything if I set my mind to it. And if I believe I can succeed. And there's so much of them supporting me. If I can't take it at one point I know I can go to them and ask to talk me threw it.

I've been looking for the best time to quit. Looking for the time I have the most faith in myself to do so. Looking to have something to tell myself, when I've quit for real that there's something SPECIAL WONDERFUL AMAZING waiting for me. And there's going to be !

I'll let you know what is waiting for me real soon. ♥

The talk.

The next day, January 15,

He was there again, it was the end of the day. Not doing anything in class. I go to the washroom knowing he was close to there, sitting down. I get out of the washroom thinking I would go talk to him. Expecting I could handle it. I just wanted to get it over with. I get out, his not there. Frustrated.. as I was walking he was talking to my teacher. I wait .. Then my friend passes by. Stoped and talked to me. As I was hugging him. Stephane passes looks at me, I look too. Stop hugging my friend. He comes closer to me, and says how are you?, It's been awhile. I was looking at him with a face all nervous, surprised, confused and just in love, with his beauty. He comes gives me a hug. I'm there thinking omg, a hug! I hugged him back of course. I put my face against his body, closed my eyes, I was gone in those moments I had when I was with him. The moments when I would have that hug of his and just the feeling inside that was so good, because I knew he was still mine and that boy that was hugging me, was the greatest. And just always felt good to have a wonderful guy like him hug me. And the fact that he loved me. .. All that coming to my thoughts real fast because that hug lasted only about 2secondes. Maybe longer but not to me. He pulls away, I was not ready for him too. I could of stayed in his arms forever ! . He noticed I had my eyes closed. How embarrassing is that! ... I finally answered his question, I'm I'm I'm....... okay. ....Ya, I shivered while answering. And then with a straight voice I ask, how about you?

He said same. I was glad he didn't want to rub in the fact he had moved on. Because I obviously knew he was and is. But telling me, no thanks. .... Next question he asks me was, what was new in my life. I said nothing really you? Then he went on about things that were new in his life... Like I was acutely paying attention and acutely wanted to know, or acutely cared. I did pay attention just enough to know what to say back, and it had to be a good reply. And I did reply good and smart. I did want to know, just not about the things he was acutely telling me. I wanted to hear about his heart how it was feeling. And I did care about what he was talking to me about, I just would of cared more about what he was feeling new inside.... Anyways I knew he wouldn't talk about his feelings inside.Why would he, I'm not his G-F. ....... We had a conversation about his car.. and why he was at school, which I knew why. ....

There was some sorta awkward moments in our conversation. I let some stupid comments like oh, I like your hair cut. Blah blah, nervous comments what can I say. .... He would just say thanks..... and smile, what else could he say. ha ha. ..... He goes on then says your looking good. OH MY ! why would he say that like seriously! I just did that awkward smile.... like ah thanks... the hole time we had talked he would look at me up in down, I thought that was odd because he never did that before, maybe it was one of his nervous reactions . ha ha maybe not I don't know. And probably wont. A nother thing he always was smiling! It was sexy but, I was still thinking why are you smiling, stop it. I'm dying to kiss you!

End of conversation comes, I guess ill let you go to class eh. I said... alright I guess. He smiles, gives me other hug, He doesn't know that it kills me or what! He probably thinks, gotta be nice and hug her. But common, I still Love this guy, and he hugs me. That's hard to handle! ... But he thinks I'm over him i bett. Hes crazy to thinks so. I knew to make this hug little and to not last long, first of all I'm going to start dreaming in his arms again and going to want it to last forever. And I'm about to start bursting out of tears! Because it's all coming to me again like always, HES MY EX. ... Hug ends, we both walk different directions still looking at each other, his saying ill see you soon ... I'm saying take good care. ..... both just smiling away. Then both turn to our direction. Friends looking at me ... I'm still smiling. And thinking, u did it! You were tuff and strong. You had a conversation with him. As two friends. Well really anyone could know it wasen't a friend conversation, it was a first talk between a ex couple. I was happy I hadn't bursted out of tears even though I was so close too!, And he knew that for sure. He knows how I am in any way. So he did. .... After thinking about that and other things like I LOVE him!... I was crying once again! All last class. Friends around me, trying to help me. Wouldn't work. The only thing I wanted was to have him hold me into his arms and to tell me He still loved me.

I pasted the night with no more makeup on my face and tears that wouldn't stop falling down from my eyes. And still broken hearted like always. But was glad and happy to have seen his beautiful face and his wonderful smile. That I day dream about everyday scene's.

Not Over Him.

Vacations have been over for almost two weeks now. It was really hard to go back to the 6:30am morning routine.

This morning at 6:30 am, January 14. I woke up thinking I was going to see my Ex today. Stephane. Not a fun first thought in the morning. Since I already think about him too much. My walls full of his writing, the pictures that I finally toke down. And the fact that he never gets out of my mind or how annoying it is to know deep down he wont come back and his probably happy with the fact were over. And hes definitely not thinking of me even one second of the day. But my heart, can't seam to kick him out of my thoughts, mind, stomach or make him a memory for good! As you can probably tell, I'm really not excited to see him.

The week after exams hes back at school. Because it's the new semester. Which is in a week. I'm not ready to see him. My heart isn't. It should be. I wish it was. But with my luck it's not. It's now been a month I haven't seen him, and that we've been no longer a couple. Can't get over the fact it's already that long, and my heart still wants him. Still needs him. Still can't get over the fact hes not coming back.

That first thought I had this morning. It was right!

I'm in my class, texting my best friend.

My friend: Your EX is here !

Me freaking out at my desk. Thinking omg! Hide! You can't see him! You don't want to see him! You don't want him to see you!

Thoughts and thoughts come crapping in my head. Still freaking out! ... Bell rings.

I was hiding ... time to go to class. He was there ! I was surrounded by 4 of my friends. Still saw his face. And he was wearing the sweater I got him. Just that destroyed me. Started to cry like crazy, walking fast to class making sure he wouldn't see me. That didn't work he did, apparently. Not my face. So not me crying. Thank god.

I'm in class still crying my eyes out. Trying not too. Didn't work.

In the bus still the same, crying and feeling horrible. Got to my friends house, feeling better doing anything to get him out of my head. Get back home his in my head for the rest of the night. Of course, like always!

Tomorrow, hes going to be at school for his exam. I hope I get the courage to acutely go up to him and talk. Dought it, but you never know. I just hope that I take it better then I did today!

Will see what happens.

Destiny might change it's mind. ♥

PS: Don't depend on a guy so much. Might end the way you never thought it would or never wished it would or just not the way you wanted it to end up. Just think, no matter what In The End he was always worth it.

The new beginning

A new year has just started! The time for me to put 2009 in the back of my head. Make Stephane become a memory. And for me to just move on. And live my life the way I want it to be. The way I dream for it to be.

I never really liked new years. And never liked to break up with someone. But life is field with things that we don't like, or approve of. We just haft to live with it. Live with the fact that life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to be. Or planed it to be. At least a new year, you can set your mind to think its time to start over.Or to change your plans.Because that's what everyone says. It's a new beginning. And so that's what I am going to make it. 2010 best year !?


Resolution :
Try to past the year without regrets.